Dear Mr. Package Man:

To the smug little UPS driver who just delivered me a package at noon-thirty on a Wednesday, this is what I should have said to you when you asked whether or not you woke me:

“No, sir, you did NOT wake me.  It is, as I’m sure you know, 12:30pm, and I am not a hobo, for goodness sakes.  Sure, I answered the door without a shirt on.  Sure, I had a gnarly case of bed head.  And sure, I was wearing pajama bottoms, (and don’t start judging me there, either.  I wear pajamas occasionally.  They’re comfortable, and it’s a choice.  So back off.  I’m still a man, and don’t you forget it.  Leave it to a guy wearing shit-brown knee-high socks and short shorts to give me advice on style…) but you most certainly did not wake me.  Why, then, do I look as I do at this point in the day?  Unshaven, slovenly, crust still hanging on to the corners of my eyes?  Perhaps I just haven’t showered yet. That’s an important word, yet, because it implies that yes, I will be showering today, so there’s your answer to that question.  In fact, you’re lucky I decided to eat my grilled-cheese sandwich before showering, otherwise, it’s quite possible I could have been in the shower at the exact moment you knocked on my door, thus leaving it unanswered and leaving you to trudge up my stairs for me to sign your little electronic pad tomorrow.  I saved you a trip, bud, you should be thanking me, so you can do us all a favor and wipe that pretty little smile right off your face.

What was it I was doing all morning?  How could hygeine have escaped me until midday, you ask?  Well, a great portion of it, I was reading.  Ever hear of books?  Or are you just a big truck driver man who drives trucks all day?  No time for high-fallootin’ readin’, eh Mr. Truck Driver Man?  Yeah, I thought so.  Literature.  Try it sometime.  And you know what?  I was cleaning, too.  Not all of us have such prestigious high-level jobs in box delivery, we can’t all afford to pay immigrants to clean our homes for us.  Some of us have to do it ourselves.  Vacuuming, dusting… let me know if you ever want a lesson, I’ll be happy to help you out, Mr. “I’m-Too-Busy-To-Clean-My-Own-House.” And what kind of person showers before cleaning their house, huh?  Ever think of that?  I’ll tell you what kind– the same kind of person who smells like Pine Sol when they go to work, that’s who.  I’m all about conservation here at my apartment, I’ll shower once, thank you very much.

What’s that?  Work?  Why yes, I work.  In fact, I work later today.  That’s right… I work in the evenings occasionally.  A package delivery specialist such as yourself may not understand the concept of evening shifts, but it happens sometimes.  Deal with it.  Like I said before, you of all people should be thankful I’m available at this point in the day.

So thank you sir, for your diligent package delivery, your cheery disposition, your ‘kind pleasantries’.  Maybe next time, we’ll just keep it professional: here’s your box, see you later.  Let’s leave the small talk for when we get home to our wives, our home-cooked meals and our dinner tables, what do you think of that?  And don’t start thinking this is all because I’m embarrassed I came to the door like I did.  I laugh in the face of embarrassment.  Ha HA!  Like that.  So don’t start thinking you’re Mr. Smarty-Shorts, you didn’t figure anything out.

Let’s just cut to the chase here, okay?  Like I said before: no, you did not wake me.  And yes, I will sign for it, thank you very much.  Have yourself a nice little day.


4 Responses to “Dear Mr. Package Man:”

  1. August 13, 2008 at 2:24 pm

    you sure told that ignoramus. imagine his gall — to think that you sleep til 12ish. and if you did, whose business is it anyway? and so what, anyway? you work nights, you’re entitled to sleep in, right? next time, so he won’t be offended by your condition, just don’t answer, and let him have to come back another day. enjoy your grilled cheese in undisturbed pleasure. and F U, UPS man!

  2. 2 Jenn
    August 19, 2008 at 8:03 am

    you should consider yourself lucky to have a UPS man who can deliver packages. My UPS man was too busy talking on his cell phone to deliver mine to the correct address. They sometimes forget to teach them to read addresses at UPS driving school. As for your grilled cheese ROCK ON, and Im sure your boss appriciates you not wearing your pine sol cologne to work.

  3. 3 niikkkiiii
    August 20, 2008 at 11:17 am


    … i think i’ve had this passive aggressive conversation in my head post-ups delivery as well

    totally relatable and hilarious.

  4. 4 Craig
    October 3, 2008 at 11:10 am

    My UPS man’s name is Mike. He has to make a special trip out from Yreka (a 30 min drive) to deliver my packages. He knows that even if someone makes the childish mistake of writing my PO Box address on my package that I work at Kidder Creek and he’ll deliver it to me anyway. He also doesn’t need my signature, because he knows that no one would bother driving out to the middle of nowhere to steal my new sweater-vest or cutlery. Mike’s a champ. Sometimes, he even pushes his knee-highs down. He’s a rebel. You’d like him.

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