07
Nov
07

It’s a world of laughter, a world of tears.

Here’s something that gives me a tiny bit of understanding as to why other countries think the United States is ridiculous. Don’t get me wrong, I love America, and I’m happy to live here, but it’s some of the Americans I could do without. Anyway, here’s the story I heard through one of my favorite podcasts, NPR’s “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me…” (which you can find here)

Disneyland will be closing their infamously annoying and blatantly racist (but in a cuddly way) attraction, “It’s A Small World After All” starting in January of next year. The closure will likely last an entire calendar year, as the ride will be going through a major reconstructive overhaul. The reason for this overhaul? Well, it seems as though when the ride opened in 1964, the average weight of an American male was 175 lbs, and the average American female weighed 135. Sadly, that ain’t the case no more. Today, in the world of McDonald’s, vending machines, and Slurpees, the average American is well over that standard, and anyone who’s been to Disneyland recently knows the average American tourist is even more over that. So here’s the problem: the fat, overfed asses of the typical American family are causing the fiberglass boats in the Small World ride to bottom out and get stuck in the ride’s waterways, which were designed with families more like this one in mind. Thus, the pathways will be made deeper, and the boats will be designed to be more buoyant so as to keep everybody afloat. May I be the first to say, “Thank you, Disneyland.”

Now aside from the obvious “It’s a Not-So-Small World” jokes that could be made here, do we see the problem? I know that I’m young, and still have my metabolism, but this is pathetic. Ride operators at Disneyland have recently had to stop the ride, turn the lights on, and happily escort Papa and Mama Chubb out of the boat and through the emergency exit of the ride, somewhere between the Chinese kids, the singing Eskimos, and the part where the happy cowboy chases the now-smallpox-infected Indian around in an eternal, motorized circle. (Interesting, isn’t it, that Disneyland will close the ride to accommodate the fat American, but has yet to close it to take out the sweet little racial stereotypes that make the ride so doggone loveable? Anyway, that’s beside the point.) The point is this:

Stop. Eating. So. Much. Crap. That’s all there is. We are a nation of superfluousness in every respect, and this is just another example of that. We gorge ourselves so much that we’ve grown too fat to enjoy our own unique brand of entertainment.

So here’s my advice to Disneyland: close the ride, and fix it. Make the channels deeper, keep your target market happy. You can even leave in the singing Asian kids who have slants for their eyes if you really want to. Heck, amp up the stereotypes by putting in some little Iraqi children running around with guns for all I care. But save us having this same problem again in another forty years, and add in a section, maybe towards the end, of little robotic singing children that are doing sit-ups. The least you can do is set a good example.

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5 Responses to “It’s a world of laughter, a world of tears.”


  1. February 18, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    “Now aside from the obvious “It’s a Not-So-Small World” jokes that could be made here, do we see the problem? I know that I’m young, and still have my metabolism, but this is pathetic. Ride operators at Disneyland have recently had to stop the ride, turn the lights on, and happily escort Papa and Mama Chubb out of the boat”

    Is this not a tad pompous? You seem to be ripping the same exact thing I was. In addition, you are offering your opinion on how racist Disney is and suggesting a cure-all to obesity and telling a Fortune 50 how to run their business.

    Or is it satire?

  2. February 18, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    Here’s the difference: what you said was, “You’re fat, therefore, I hate you.” What I’m saying is, “You’re fat, maybe try the teacup ride.” Reading this now (I wrote it over a year ago) I would admit I come off harsh. Maybe read my other post, “How To Solve The Fat Problem, or, How Not To Get Voted President” for a better, more sensitive view on the issue. And yes, the racist stuff was tongue-in-cheek, but seriously, when was the last time you were on It’s A Small World? It’s hysterically racist. Just like Chris Rock.

  3. February 18, 2009 at 6:45 pm

    It has been a long time, but I have been on it. “Good old-fashioned family racism.” As far as my post goes….it is harsh and surely a little pompous, and I freely admit to being a dick sometimes. That’s just me and it part of the reason maxhate exists in the first place. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

  4. August 3, 2013 at 11:31 pm

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